From Fearful to Fearless

I don’t really know why someone came up of a suggestion of discussing my fears here on the blog but I take it as a challenge because the only thing that I thought of are dogs!!! Hahaha! Anyway, I think this person just wants to know me better that’s why he suggested something different to talk about here. Hey youuuu, you should read this! Haha :P

I lived my childhood life being fearful in all aspects. I fear to speak because I don’t want attention, I fear to socialize because I’m afraid of big groups, I fear to showcase my talents because I fear judgment. I lived a life of what if’s when I was a child that I don’t really enjoy it. But sometimes, I thought that maybe I’m not really fearful and instead, I’m just shy. I regret it so much :( I hate that I didn’t get to collect experiences and unforgettable memories when I was in elementary and high school. Yung mag recite for recitation hindi ko magawa, yung bumati sa kakilala hindi ko din magawa, yung mag open-up sa friends ko nahihiya ako, yung makipagsabayan sa madaming estudyante sa pagsayaw every foundation day nahihiya talaga ako. Anoo baaa?!! Ang baba ng self confidence ko and I really hate it. :( I, at least, tried a few times like when I joined Solo Voice Contest when I was in Grade 3 dahil narinig ako ng teacher ko kumanta sa corridor and she gave me this spot to represent my section. I almost turned it down pero buti na lang pinush ko. I didn’t win nor got a title kase hindi ko sya naitawid ng ayos. I was shaking during the entire time!!! HAHAHA! But it was a memorable experience! I was forced to join another singing contest when I was 11 in my hometown. I got the 2^nd place pero the moment na sinabing yung 1^st ang lalaban sa city level nag back out yung 1^st so I was given this chance to join the city level. I was badly forced by my mom (you know moms!!!) at napush pa rin talaga! I was able to deliver it and I’m satisfied with the outcome although I didn’t got the title. The important thing is that, I got the experience! Who would have thought I would do that!!! HAHAHA

Square toe design pumps from Gamiss

When it comes to being physically hurt I guess it isn’t a big deal for me already. Hindi na ako natatakot and it’s tolerable at some point. I’ve been diagnosed of having a kidney problem since then and I had so many experiences being admitted in the hospital, had my kidney biopsy when I was 9, took a lot of medicines and experienced all the worst side effects like hair loss, pimple breakouts, weight gain, insomnia and blurred vision at a young age. I think this is also the reason why when I had my blood transfusion earlier this month I’m not that scared anymore because of my past experiences. But don’t get me wrong, I fear death. Who doesn’t?? Fear of Losing someone? It depends on the situation. I don’t fear losing someone who doesn’t value me or doesn’t value the relationship that we have or yung tipong ilang beses mo ng ipinaglaban at binigyan ng chance pero wala pa din. I guess it’s way better if he/she will just leave and bid goodbye than stay and be pain in the ass! But if the person that I’ll be losing is someone I really value, I would possibly cry tons and would not be able to recover for a long time. Madrama but it’s true. 

I tend to over think things that’s why I have so many fears. And that’s what I really hate about myself. I’m depriving myself to enjoy and just be happy. I hinder myself to discover who I really am. When I entered college I promised myself to change my ways. I promised to live my life the way I want it to be, to discover my passions, to open myself to all the possibilities and accept all the challenges that are coming. I met a lot of people with different perspectives in life. I learned to get along to each of them and discovered their strengths and weaknesses. I learned to love and appreciate the course that I always fear. I learned to just go with the flow and stop thinking of what could have been. I slowly got out of my comfort zone and express myself in the world full of judgments and possibilities. 

I guess, my greatest fear as of now is not being able to reach my dreams and goals. College made me dream big! All my past experiences made me dream big. My mom, the people surrounding me,my blog made me dream big. I’m crazy enough to think now that I can achieve all of those and would do anything just to be successful in it. I’m pretty sure that I’m stronger and braver now in facing all those things in my life. I don’t care if I fail (it’s inevitable) but I wouldn’t let it scare me again and turn down all the things that I’ve always wanted to be. 

Thank you again Gamiss for my cute pumps! You can get yours too by visiting their site. :)

Here are 2 of my favorite two piece dresses from Gamiss

Left // Right 

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xoxo,